Inside This Mind.

06.01.2006 * 10:09 a.m.
to infinity and beyond.

I have a knack for getting into relationships that cannot last. I'm trying to figure out if I've gotten myself into one this time too.

Before, the relationships have been terminated because of my partner leaving, always out of state, either on a mission for our church or for school. Though that has always worked out for the best; each one taught me something new about myself and about what I look for in a man.

Now this one, this Cowboy, is something different. We're making some modifications to our relationship to ensure its survival. We're giving it an overhaul and redesigning the layout in an effort to make it last longer. How long? I don't know, as most humans are incapable of seeing the future.
The point is, this time the man isn't going anywhere. This time there are no out of state schools and no religious missions beckoning him away. This time the duration of us depends on me. He sees our current modifications as a device to buy more time, maybe a year or two, before I walk away.

He forsees me walking away. That leaves a painful sting somewhere in the vicinity of my heart.

However, one day I am going to be faced with a very real and extremely difficult decision regarding this relationship. To make it permanent I will have to make an enormous sacrifice. To not make that sacrifice, I will have to walk away and find permanence with someone else.

I know I am young. I'm only twenty-three (and a half, mind you), a mere baby in the world. But each day seems to move by faster than the last and one day I will find myself not so young anymore. I want the kind of companionship that awakens me, that challenges me, that makes me feel alive. Each day I find that with him more and more. I don't want to have to go looking for it somewhere else later on.

It comes down to my faith.
Faith is a principle of action.
My actions make me who I am.

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Living each day at a time is all I can do right now.