Inside This Mind.

02.25.2007 * 12:13 a.m.
It's probably just because I'm having a bad day.

This morning I put on the Lovespell lotion that I won years ago at Shantel's baby shower. It's amazing how a scent can throw a person back in time.

Suddenly I was in my bedroom on Sueno in the spring almost three years ago. I remember sitting on the floor in front of the mirrored closet doors and putting lotion on my freshly shaved legs. I remember dinners of hotdogs or taquitos. I remember how my heart felt as I spent that spring and summer trying to get David to like me, to date me. I remember Yanika up too late at night wearing her glasses and hovering over her laptop. I remember hot sun and cool ocean breezes, a warm night on the side of the road, a life surrounded by friends.

Comparatively, my life feels dry now. I don't feel passionate about anything today. That is partly my own fault, I let my passions get out of control in one area and made some mistakes. Now, to protect myself from any like danger, I have flipped the switch and turned all passion off. I am living so moderately that I am boring myself.

Last night I went to hear the Temple Hill Symphony Ochestra perform Tchaikovsky music. (If you're in the Oakland area, I highly recommend you go tonight at 7:30. It's free and everyone is welcome.) The concert was lovely, the music beautiful, the energy warm and lively. I felt excited for the first two movements, and then I felt limp. The electricity had entirely left my body and I don't know why. Perhaps it had to do with the arguing in the car during the drive, but I can't blame the rain, and I can't blame the other people there.

I need to let myself lose control and melt into pure happiness. I need to not be afraid to be passionate about the world around me. I need to change my attitude and turn my mood around.
I'll work on that today, I promise.