Inside This Mind.

01.23.2005 * 10:24 p.m.
i learned what a megalomaniac is.

Life is wonderful. I am terribly fond of church, and it makes Sundays so refreshing to me. I adore my friends, I love the laughter that we share, the conversations that last for hours, the quiet moments in between.

Today, I forgot to go home right after church even though I was supposed to be there to be visit taught. oops. Instead, I went to Goleta Beach. I called my mom and walked through sand and waves. There was something liberating about taking off my come-get-me-boots and pacing along the ocean wearing a skirt. Sand-covered feet make me happy.

I guess I've got no complaints about today.

01.22.2005 * 6:31 p.m.
Holly hit 10,000.

At this moment, I feel oddly like my father, sitting in front of a computer listening to classical music. Funny, how so many classical songs sound like hymns to my ears now.

Last night I put myself in an environment that I knew would be beneficial to me. The feelings coursing through my veins, the sounds of singing voices bouncing through the air, the words pouring through my skin. I know I heard and felt things that struck my spirit, that beat against my stubborn heart screaming, "Listen to me!" And as I now read over the sentences that I scribbled down in hopes of preserving the experience, I am reminded of that atmosphere. But the feeling is fleeting. Why is it so fleeting? There were words last night that stung my ears with familiarity. Agency. Action. Plateau. Example. Family. Faith. Test. Okay, okay! I know already! I get the point! But still, I don't know what is supposed to happen, and -control freak that I am- it's hard for me to be in this situation. The future is a vast expanse opening before me, growing wider and more complex every time I look ahead. I have a fear of falling. It's a very real physical phobia that has extended into the metaphorical realm of my future life and possibilities. I'm not fond of being afraid. I know something needs to be done to make me feel less stagnant, and I realize it's up to me to do it. I'll get there... here a little, there a little.

Todd mentioned that I was wearing green every day that he saw me this week. True. Surprise surprise, it is my favorite color.