Inside This Mind.

01.03.2004 * 1:59 p.m.
death in my hands.

today was different. i went to work at 9am, same as any saturday. we weren't terribly busy though, and then we had a nice friendly couple come in to get their two cats vaccinated. they just got these cats 4 days ago from their nephew, who had sort of inherited them from his neighbors who moved away a year or so ago. these cats were ranch cats and hadn't been taken to the vet in quite some time. but they were both in good health, and dispite some fussing when they were getting their shots, seems well enough with the vaccines. and then the girl cat, Hope, a cute calico, vommited, and deficated, and started panting. doctor gave her a shot of benadryl to stop the allergic reaction. and she deficated again, and urinated, and panted and howled. doctor gave her a shot of epinephrine and something else. then she started convulsing. doctor put her on oxygen and gave her more shots. she stopped convulsing, thank goodness, but kept gasping for air. she seemed to calm down. i stayed there with her on the table, petting her and talking to her and watching her. doctor went into the other room to see a patient. and then her breathing began to slow, i called for the doctor, he didn't hear me. so i popped my head into the other room and said "i need you" and when we stepped into the room with Hope, she took her last breath. but her heart was still beating. we tried to resucitate her. it didn't work.

and that's the first time i've ever been in the room when anyone has died. ever.

but i'm very pleased with myself, and with my response. i didn't freak out. in fact, i remained completely calm, i acted professional, if you will. and i know we did everything we possibly could have for that cat. doctor said he had never seen an animal react in that manner from a vaccine. and he'd certainly never seen one die as a result. it's all very sad. but i'm good. i'm excellent actually. my reaction to the whole situation made me feel confident that i am capable of pursuing a career in medicine. and any bit of reassurance in that area is always welcome. but poor Hope, i hope her people are doing okay.

01.01.2004 * 5:25 p.m.
happy 2004

is it really 2004 already? it's amazing. i've been alive for 21 years. i've lived in california for over 11 years. i've known dug for over 7 years. seven years. wow. is it wrong to think that you met the love of your life in the 8th grade? i know it's not normal, but is it so unlikely that it must not be right? i really can't figure it out. he still loves me, i still love him, and each year that we've grown older our friendship and relationship in general has improved. sometimes it freaks me out in a weird twilight zone sort of way. either way, he came here to celebrate the new year with me. he was at my house for no more than 26 hours, but not even five minutes after he left i felt the emptiness around me like a wet blanket. for a mere 26 hours he filled this house up with his laughter and song, and when he drove down my driveway i was suddenly alone again. now the solitude is less welcoming than it was two days ago. i don't want to watch another movie to occupy my time. i don't have anywhere to go or anything really to do. i'll carry out my evening by eating dinner and hanging around the house, just like usual. and i'll smile at myself because yesterday i was doing the exact same things i'll do tonight, only my favorite boy was here, and we were doing those things together. and for some reason, that made all the difference in the world.