Inside This Mind.

05.02.2005 * 10:31 p.m.
i could be so much more than this

Frequently, I'm not terribly pleased with the person that I am. Actually, I flat out hate certain personality traits that I possess. You would think that would inspire me to change, and it has. The inspiration is there, I just don't know how to go about the actual process. It's harder than one thinks. Try going against an inherent aspect of your nature that is partially genetic with a foundation of a solid twenty years of practice. It's really really really hard. I don't try as hard as I should, this I realize. I don't constantly stay on my toes and smack my wrist or bite my tongue before doing something terribly Dad-ish of me. I'm sorry. I need to try harder.
Actually, there are a plethora of items on my "need to try harder" list. That's a bad sign. I don't do a lot of things that I'm supposed to be doing. I don't do a lot of things that I know are entirely for my own good. That makes absolutely no sense. I'm not sure of why I'm screwing myself over like I am.

With all of that said and done, if we don't already know each other, I suggest you keep your distance. The closer I am to you and the more I care about you, the more you see my terrible, rotten, control-freak, type-A, psycho OCD side. My repetitive pattern in all friendships and other relationships is of me trying to dominate the other person by being controlling and bossy. I'm really sorry. The sad part is that I've actually improved. I must have been (as Ian recently called me) "The Devil Incarnate" a few years ago.

I know that only I control my attitude. I know that only I can make changes for myself. So I will, I promise you -you wide world of diarylanders- that I will better myself. I promise you, right now. And I realize that sitting here, tearing myself down and hating myself is not productive, so I'll stop doing that right now too.