Inside This Mind.

08.17.2005 * 9:59 p.m.
Really, every day is different.

A routine has been established and that is okay with me. I go to work at 8:30 in the morning and leave around 5:30 in the afternoon. I come home, check my email and eat dinner. After dinner the routine disappears for a few hours and different outrageous activities occupy my time. Today, for example, I wrote several letters and reviewed my application for school. Sometimes I take my dog for a walk. Often I sit on this couch and read. Occassionally I participate in outings with friends. Ooh, I actually got kidnapped by a friend for a little bit tonight. Excellent. Inevitably, my evening will bring me here to Diaryland, my sweet refuge of nearly four years. (Hello D-land, I love you.) This routine is becoming the standard protocol for Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Tuesdays will get their own routine soon enough. Saturdays I either work in the mornings or participate in exciting activities such as taking standardized tests. The afternoons and evenings are my time to do whatever fun and wacky adventures my heart desires. Sunday is my one day to sleep past 7am. Woot! I sit around until I go to church at 1pm, am there until 4 and leave wondering how long it will be before this ward feels like home. Then, the weekly cycle repeats.

That all makes my life sound terribly dull and maybe sometimes it is, but there really is a lot more going on. All manner of things occur between the lines that make my world a relatively interesting, un-boring place.

On a different note: I look at other boys now. Parts of my brain and my heart really don't want to, parts of my brain and my heart really do. I don't think boys look at me. I hope they don't, but I hope they do. Is anyone else noticing the weird internal conflict I'm having? Not that it matters. I've made a promise to myself to avoid having a boyfriend for now because it has been a while since I've lived the single life and I feel a need to prove to myself that I can exist on my own. However, I've also made a promise to myself and someone else that I will date plenty over the next little bit of time. Okay, no problem. I can satisfy both promises; I'll start dating when boys start asking me out. Hopefully that doesn't happen any time soon and hopefully none of them are so wonderful that I have to deal with the issue of falling in love. I'm hanging on to my love and right now I'm okay with the idea of doing so for the next two years. Unfortunately however, I know better than to limit my possibilities no matter how repulsive the idea seems at the moment. Dang it! I just want to crawl under a rock and hide.

As I said a minute ago, I look at other boys now. What I didn't say is that my brain broods on only one. And every time I wake in the night I mutter a quick prayer that he is safe and well as I roll over and fall back asleep.
(I never expected I'd love him like this.)