Inside This Mind.

01.10.2006 * 6:33 p.m.
I screamed really loudly while driving on 680.

I don't know how many of you have heard of PostSecret, but if you haven't I suggest you click over to the PostSecret Webpage and check it out. It is an ongoing community art project where people annonymously mail in secrets on post cards. The result is an amazing display of intimate thoughts that help the secret sharers and various strangers come to terms with their feelings regarding the issues. I know some people who have sent in secrets. I often find myself considering what language and pictures I would use on a post card to reveal my secrets. Lately, I have given the subject a lot of thought, but I won't send one in. Just thinking it through has worked well enough for me.

I am quite capable of (and very used to) working through my problems on my own. Granted, I much prefer having another's arms in which to throw myself, someone to hold me while I cry and then give me the emotional support I need when I stand up to take action. However, for me, that amount of trust only exists in a companion with whom I am sharing my life and my heart. Love has been my backbone in my times of trial, and that is what I rely on most when I realize that I cannot do everything independently. Right now, I stand alone. The only person with whom I trust every detail of my existence is too far away and too busy with a greater mission to be able to share my burdens at the moment. No one else fills that capacity to the same degree. All my scattered friends are amazing lifesavers, but they are not right for the job either. As I said a moment ago, I stand alone.
It's better for me this way, this time. I'm not sure how it came to this, but the present family ordeal is testing my faith. I am disappointed to say that I am not holding up as strongly as I expected. However, I know that I will regain my footing and climb to the top of this mountain eventually, because that is what I do. But to feel good about the final outcome I have to do this without any human help, it has to be between me and my Savior.

One of my PostSecrets would say "Sometimes I wish I had the mental illness instead of him... at least I would take my medications." I am plagued with selfish, dark, un-Sarah-esque feelings that are bringing me down and leaving me angry with myself. I want to run away and pretend that that I am invincible, but I would never desert my loved ones when they need me most. I need to come to terms with my feelings and I need to do it properly. I need to do it soon, which is hard because this is not the only thing going on in my life at the moment.

And when I wake up in the middle of the night and feel a nervous ball where my stomach should be my thoughts always land on the last person who lended me his strength when I was weak and wrapped me in his arms when I needed a safe place to hide. I really do love him, and I don't care if that's silly of me.