Inside This Mind.

09.25.2006 * 4:39 p.m.
I'm living a strange double life.

This weekend was wonderful. I had a lot of time away from my boyfriend, which was strangely liberating. Don't get me wrong, I adore him, but that adoration in and of itself drastically complicates my life. I spend most of my free time with him on the average day and it was nice to do things on my own for a change. It was a pleasant reminder to myself that I do have my own identity.

I didn't do anything too exciting, but I enjoyed myself. I worked, I met with my teacher and shopped, I cleaned clothes and washed my car. I went to a service project, watched an amazing Relief Society broadcast, and ate pie. Relief Society rocks - I have some wonderful girl friends from church and that makes me really happy. Church on Sunday was wonderful and I was again reminded that I have friends. Thank freaking goodness. Hey guys, you know what's cool? I HAVE FRIENDS! Sweeeeeeet...

I love this Cowboy, I really do, but I don't think this relationship can go any further than it already has. He can't be what I need and it is really unfortunate. Dang it! He knows the situation, but he keeps talking about future and marriage and I keep freaking out, bouncing between agreeing with him and knowing that I need to end this.

It's really very special. (I'm special.)

If you had asked me five years ago if I wanted to marry a righteous, spiritual, religious man, I would have said, "Hell NO!" If you asked me the same question two years ago I would have said, "Heck YES!" If you ask me today I would probably say, "Yes, I mean, of course! Well... I think so. But what if he's not exactly those things but he's still a really good man?" after which I would probably throw myself into your arms for comfort.

Allow me to repeat myself: It's really very special. (I'm special.)