Inside This Mind.

2007-09-27 * 11:03
rolling out the sod

Wow, life is busy. I feel like I haven't had a minute to sit still. I'm actually writing this entry by email before the morning bell rings at school. Why? I don't really know. I have lots of other things I could be doing.

We bought our wedding rings on Tuesday, that is exciting. Institute was great on Wednesday, and Barry came with me, so that was very exciting. Today is an early release day, which is extremely super exciting. Most exciting of all... I'm going to LA and SB this weekend!

Clearly, my life is exciting, so why do I feel so tired and blah?

One minute left until I have to let the kiddos into my room... have a great weekend.

09.24.2007 * 5:51 p.m.
A real update.

I'm starving, but don't know why.

The past week has been complicated and trying. Work is going well. I have a good class, for the most part. Teaching them isn't always a smooth ride, and I spend long hours after school trying to get everything prepared, but I feel like our experiences are mostly successful. I'm just extremely busy and I come home really tired. There is always more to do than I can accomplish.
This weekend I think I brought a stomach flu home with me. My guts ached and were very unhappy all weekend. I'm fine now, but Barry was puking this morning and is feverish this evening. I don't know if that is all connected with my lovely students, but it's highly possible.

Wedding stuff has been a rollercoaster ride. I spent much of last week wondering why on earth I am with this man who isn't exactly the guy of my dreams. I have been doubting and almost regretting our relationship because of the embarrassment I sometimes feel. My confusion hit an all time high when I realized that my upcoming visit to SB could very well put me in the same place at the same time as my ex-boyfriend. Part of me wants to see him, part of me is afraid of the emotions that that might cause. I am still in love with him, I have never had a reason to feel otherwise, and I don't really know that I want to deal with that right now. Comparing him to my fiance is a dangerous thing because they are extremely different. Have you ever tried to compare an apple with a dolphin? Yeah, it's like that. Therefore, I have been experiencing love drama inside my wild little brains and heart.

However, this weekend went really well for Barry and I. We started our wedding gift registry, we laughed a lot, he even made a great step forward with his faith. It has been great, but I can't pretend that the fear I felt all week isn't somewhere under my surface. I need to focus on being happy, moving forward with faith, and doing everything in my power to make my life the incredibly wonderful existence I know it can be. (It's really not as difficult as it sounds.)

The real trouble spot in my world right now is my beloved brother. He's doing that thing again when he doesn't take all of his medication. As a result, the mania is coming out. He's awake most of the night, wandering town most of the day, singing, dancing, and talking to himself with that wild look in his eyes that makes me wonder what he is thinking and what he is hearing. Right now he is so tired, his face looks worn and sad. His body can't handle all of the energy that his mind creates. I wish I knew how to help him more, but it is hard to help someone who doesn't really see the problem. As a family we have confronted him, we'll see what happens. At least his doctor genuinely cares for him and wants to get him on a dose of medication that keeps him stable but allows him to live his life more fully. I just hope it is kept under control and that we don't have to deal with another wild episode.
I hate to say it, but at least when he is overmedicated I can sleep soundly at night. Yeah, putting that into words makes me feel like a terrible person, but at least I'm being honest with myself.

I want to help him more, but I don't know how.

Somehow, in spite of all of the ups and downs, I am doing really well...