Inside This Mind.

01.17.2005 * 10:42 p.m.
we played Bunko tonight!

Today wasn't the first time that a patient died. It wasn't the first time that I saw a final breath. It wasn't the first time I performed chest compressions in a fervent attempt to revive the lifeless body of someone's pet. However, today was the first time that this happened while I was alone in the office.
I was checking on Peabody every five minutes. At one point, instead of lying there limp, he was restless and grumbly. I tried to help him get comfortable. He grumbled some more. His fast, heavy, labored breathing stopped unexpectedly. A four letter word escaped my lips repeatedly as I ran to the phone and called the doctor. I set up the oxygen machine. "[Four-letter-word!] Am I doing it right!?!?" I put the mask over his snout. I pumped on his chest. I asked him not to go. I prayed for God to help me. I felt the affects of my adrenaline in the sweat on my brow and the shaking in my legs. Thank goodness the Doctor was only a short distance away. We did all we could. It was just his time to go.
I did okay. I acted professionally, I didn't panic (mostly). Death is a fact of life, and sometimes -atleast for me- it's all in a day's work. And I did okay.

An important trick to making it through this world is preventing hardships from bringing you down and ruining your attitude towards life as a whole. The day will always move forward. People and things will continue to come and go. Others will need attended. But life always carries on. Never forget that. Never forget to smile, to laugh. Enjoy every breath, every moment. Because life is amazing.

Thank you -all of you- for helping make my life wonderful.

01.17.2005 * 11:56 a.m.
happy monday.

It's Monday. I didn't have school today, thanks to Martin Luther King Jr (I love that man) so I got to sleep in for the first time since New Years Day. That was nice. But now, now I have to get my booty to work. I can't really complain, but I hope work today is smooth and not too crazy. I really just want to hang out with people and pretend that life isn't full of responsibilities.
I'm tired but I'm happy. Life is amazing.

01.15.2005 * 11:33 p.m.
i have terrible posture. i'm sorry.

i am jaded. i am afraid and worn out. i am stagnant and empty. and then i breathe in the ocean air and exhale words that come from deep inside my chest where the hollow beating of my heart resides. fears and hysterics and truths pour out of my mouth and i fumble over my words. the inelegance which is inherent to my nature cannot be hidden, so i don't even bother to try. and then i feel better. the afraid and the worn out don't seem to matter as much, because i know that i'm only temporarily stagnant, and i know that i am not empty. and i thank a certain someone for listening. how did you know that that was just what i needed? i didn't even know it myself.

this day started off amazingly, with a house full of good smells and smiling friends. it continued in a delightful manner with warm sunshine, cold waves, and sand in my toes. (i love sand in my toes.) then, we headed to LA, which was wonderful, but due to my neglegence was not as good as it could have been. but that's okay. i still learned a lot and felt what i needed to feel.

i'm tired. my day has been full, and on the whole, i am happy. i just need to stop being a brat, fix my attitude, and turn this funk that i'm in into a good learning experience. it's just hard for me. sometimes i just need to be reminded, or dropkicked off a cliff and into the ocean...