Inside This Mind.

02.22.2005 * 10:19 p.m.
head explosions.

Sometimes the world kinda sucks. There are unprepared for midterms, studying to be done but no concentration to be found anywhere. There are comments from respectable people that generate confusion and self-doubt, which only leads to anger, more confusion, and yet more doubting. Nobody needs that crap.
Thank goodness there are good people who listen and respect and care. People who give hugs, chocolate, and smiles. Thank goodness there are pink golashes and thunder. Thank goodness there are well-trained moms that say "everything is going to be alright" on cue. Thank goodness there are boys that can say "I like you" in different languages.
Thank goodness there are still a few more hours for me to cram for tomorrow's midterm. Thank goodness I am jaded by school and don't really care. I mean... um... oops.

Move along folks, there's nothing to see here. Show's over.

02.21.2005 * 11:38 p.m.
"storm's a-brewin'"

History repeats itself. Sometimes it takes millennia. Sometimes it only takes a decade or maybe a mere fifty seconds. In my case, all it takes is one relationship...
Then I'm right back where I was before, making the same messes I've cleaned up in the past. I've been here, I've done this, I've regreted it time and time again. We all have our flaws but I seem to have one that resurfaces and hurts other people. I end up getting annoyed with myself, with my actions, with this blasted repetition. I've tried to change and put an end to my rude behavior. I have improved, but I need help and I need understanding to get further. I'm going to keep on trying, I'm going to find a way around this obstacle. Eventually.

Look at me, I'm just bursting with motivation when it comes to my personal life... in theory, at least. However, when it comes to every other aspect of my existence I'm a lazy mess. School, HA! Exercise, Ha! Improving myself, Ha! I'm weak, I have many flaws, and I'm exhausted. I want to crawl under the blackness of my comforter and sleep away reality and responsibility. I want to run off to a mountain where I can look down at the tiny lights of the world and laugh at their distance and inability to control me.
No. What I really want is to fix all of this inside of me and make it right.

I had a healthy dose of the right medicine tonight. Nothing puts me where I need to be quite like laughter. Genuine, loud laughter that builds on itself and leaves me smiling. That combined with thunder and rain is probably enough to send me running straight to my happy place. Ah... the happy place.

I'll race you to it.