Inside This Mind.

06.28.2005 * 11:48 p.m.
He talked about me to his friends.

My feet are constantly dirty. Every day I take a walk and every day I wear flip-flops. My daily wanderings tend to take me over dusty ocean bluffs and through sandy beaches, so the dirt is unavoidable, but I don't mind one bit. What I do mind is finding spots of tar on the back of my shirt after relaxing on the beach, like I did today. Booo.
I'm not really complaining. I mean, I live at the beach... life is good. Today it occurred to me that when I get back to L-more it will be extremely nice to take my dog with me on my wanderings. However, it will be much hotter there, with no refreshing ocean breeze to cool the air. I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss this place. sigh.

I changed Delicious' water today. Now his fish bowl is so fresh and so clean. He is a happy little goldfish.

06.27.2005 * 3:23 p.m.
Education, Career, Love.

There's a strange hollowness sucking at me from the inside. I can't explain the thoughts and feelings that are swirling violently through my empty head, but they make a colorful flurry. If I reach out and grab ahold of one incoherent insecurity at a time I discover that each springs from the same vile source: fear. Fear paralyzes me in the most pathetic fashion. It bleeds through my skin and into my circulation bringing a disease of doubt and weakness that I thought I had developed an immunity against. My fingers lose their strength and my ambition gets smothered by a strangely tangible fear of failure. I wish I had taken care of this particular area of my life sooner rather than later, but I cannot change the past. I cope by taking baby steps. One inch in the right direction each day helps me move forward without accidentally overstepping my mark. Gentle progression toward my goals allows me to breathe without hyperventilating. I'm crawling to success at a snail's pace, however, that is fast enough to fool me into believing I'm making progress, so I'm going to go with this flow.

I know this mountain of unknown has to stand before me. It's inevitable. It's called "the future" and it's a part of the plan. I know that I can scale the rocky peaks, I know I can make it through the shadows and out again to where the sun will shine brighter than anything I've ever known. The difficult part is that I cannot see the top, I cannot see my destination, so I don't actually know what it is I'm moving toward. All I know is that I have to keep climbing, preparing for every possible alternative and any reality that may present itself along the way. This sort of endeavor takes a tremendous amount of faith.

Good thing I know right from wrong and do my best to be a good girl. I won't fail any of you or fall short of your expectations. I certainly won't fail myself. I can promise you that.