Inside This Mind.

04.09.2005 * 12:51 p.m.
big pleading eyes.

The raccoons on campus are fearless. Every encounter I've had with them the past four years has been similar. The cute, furry buggers get way too close, staring up at me with their dark eyes, hoping I'll feed them. I think they're disappointed because instead of giving them food I make noises at them and discourage them from getting any closer. "Don't come up to humans!" I yell, "We're mean! One day some stupid drunk frat boy is going to think it's funny to kick you, and I don't want that, so stay away!" I'm just looking out for their wellbeing.

Next time I'm on campus at three in the morning I'm bringing my camera, because those raccoons are the cutest.

04.08.2005 * 5:19 p.m.
craptastic.

Today we're going to talk about "The System" and how it hates me. Yes, the ambiguous "they" that I swear do everything in "their" power to screw over good people who just want to progress in life. I'm a nice person. I understand that it is sometimes necessary to wait in lines, so I do so patiently. I understand that DMV employees are people with feelings too, so I treat them kindly, ask Nathaniel. What I don't understand is economical in nature. Since I hate econ I have avoided the study of it and therefore don't know what I'm talking about, but here's how I see it based on my own experiences...

Humans created money. We invented it, made it up, assigned arbitrary monetary value to items on a whim. Then why do values change? The fantasy world inside my head tells me that items, people, ideas, everything has an intrinsic value that makes it what it is, but that doesn't always translate to currency. How can we put a price tag on knowledge? Why do they tell me that I can't make it anywhere in life without a college education but then make obtaining said education a financial impossibility? "Oh, but it's not impossible!" they say. "Just get a loan, and everything will work out perfectly." Okay, Fine. I give in to the only option available and obtain my education with the creepy feeling of indebtedness to the government, clinging to the cracked-out hope that it will all be paid for, eventually. Magically, I get my money every quarter, and though it makes me feel a little bit dirty, I need it so I take it. I truck through four years, accumulating debt, because that's what they tell me is the normal thing now a days. Well, if this necessary education weren't so expensive as to make me consider selling a kidney on the black market paying for college with loans would NOT be the norm. It wouldn't! The Freaking Golden State ritualistically increases the cost of EVERYTHING each year and that really isn't helping. Sure thing, government, take all the money I never had in the first place. While you're at it, have the pants I'm wearing, I didn't need them anyway.

The beginning of the quarter is always an expensive time, with the textbook buying and the preparing for classes. The end of school is always an expensive time, with the graduation announcements and the cap and gown rental. And then there's me, with the worst timing ever, trying to save money when my allergy medicine costs sixty bucks and it's not even laced with illegal substances. I feel like a jerk and a fool with all of this debt that I've placed upon myself. The ammount I owe the government is heinous in itself, I can't imagine the debt I've caused my parents and it makes me feel like a terrible daughter. I know they love me and so they don't mind, but the fact remains... I suck.

In eight months I'm supposed to start making payments. I don't want to. In eight months I want to be serving a mission. Today I checked into defering my loan and at first it looked promising under the "tax-exempt organization deferment" option. Then I read the requirements and came to the one that says, "You must not engage in religious instruction, proselytizing, fund raising to support religious activities, or conduct worship services as part of your duties." Super. They must have put that in there special for us LDS kids. The important thing is that I haven't given up yet. However, I don't know if I'll be able to make this work and it breaks my heart. I thought I finally figured out what I'm supposed to do next, but now I'm scared. I know that I'm being watched over and that whatever happens has meaning, but keeping that perspective isn't always easy.

***On a different note, I got a letter from a friend today. He is amazing. It is comforting to know that I am loved by such a good man and that I am in his thoughts and his prayers. Indonesia doesn't know what it'll be getting when Tuutau sets foot on its soil, but I do.***