Inside This Mind.

04.27.2005 * 12:33 a.m.
Ease my troubled mind.

And then I sit beside him. He has accomplished the amazing. His smile and his love make me forget my worries. Thank goodness for that boy.

04.26.2005 * 5:30 p.m.
Today is Tuesday.

Maybe I never had "it" but just for the sake of phrase-ology let's pretend that at one time I was in possession of the infamous "it." Now that that's clear: I think I've finally lost it! It's Lost. Gone. Don't believe me? Read on, the words are the proof.

The realization dawned on me today that in three months I will be moving home. Like Nathaniel tells me they say in Spain, "I'm going to live off of my parents until I can live off my kids." I think I might adopt that terrible motto. Yes, I'm going to graduate from college and move back to mommy and daddy to mooch and figure out what the crap I want to do next with my life. I know that that is perfectly acceptable and it does not make me a failure. (IT DOES NOT! NO NO NO! ah. I feel like I'm lying to myself!) Moving home is almost the only option I've made available to myself so I'm not allowed to complain. However, I can't help but feel like some type of loser. Failure. Why? Because I feel directionless, because I don't know what's "supposed" to happen next for me. Because I don't know what to do. As a young girl I always thought college graduation would be followed by marriage because that's how it worked for my parents. I later grew out of that ridiculous mindset and instead felt that life without marriage would be perfectly acceptable. Life changed and with it my values and goals changed. To clarify: I am not falling for goofy mormon culture crap about being an old maid when you turn 25 (because I'm not insane or in Provo). Rather, the old ideas that I grew up believing have crept back into the corners of my mind. In two weeks I will be twenty-two and a half years old. I like birthdays, so the fact that mine is only six months away is exciting for me, but for the first time in forever I feel old. I'm 22 and I'm going to graduate from college. I feel like people might expect me to start acting grown up, to have certain responsibilities that I just do not have. I feel like I'm behind, like someone forgot to let me in on secret information regarding life.

I feel small. I feel small and I don't like it. I used to feel a thousand feet tall, I used to be the wild wind rustling the leaves, I used to be the confident ocean waves and endless moonlit highways. Now I'm just small. Put me in your pocket and take me with you, because frankly, I don't know where else to go.