Inside This Mind.

05.29.2005 * 5:27 p.m.
the sound of sunday.

It's not that I'm sad, I'm just not up. Some Sundays get me high and happy on the Gospel, others put me into a deep contemplative mood that does not allow for hyperactivity or superfluous smiles. Nothing is wrong -in particular- though several things are definitely, um, wrong. I don't have a specific complaint or worry nagging at my mind, I'm just weighted down in general. A few major situations are coming upon me heavily right now and there's nothing I can do but sit back and let life flow. With time, situations will unfold and I'll better understand what I'm supposed to be doing, but right now, well, right now all I can do is wait. And so I'm waiting.

(Yesterday I stubbed my foot on a doorway with enough force to turn what I'm refering to as my ring-finger toe into a swollen painful bump. The sharp pain that shot through my foot and up my leg surprised and amazed me. All of that scream-worthy throbbing due to a tiny little toe. Strange. Shortly after my demonstration of my gracefulness and skilled depth perception, I went out to dinner with some lovely ladies. While at CPK I took an icecube from my water and put it on my toe, which generally falls into the category of bad table manners but is completely acceptable behavior coming from me. No one seemed surprised, in fact I think that's just the sort of thing that is expected of me. Either way, I have a strange sense of satisfaction in knowing that I left a little puddle on the floor under the table.)

I am a grown woman. Kind of. I am fully capable of surviving a day on my own and am fond of occassional solitude. A lone drive on roads I do not know through hills with beautiful views is a welcome Sunday afternoon activity. Only when I'm alone do I have the chance to let my mind completely wander without restraint. Only when no one else is looking do I have the opportunity to let my spirit open up and just exist without boundaries or fear. I like that feeling. But who am I kidding? I also like the feeling of a certain hand in mine. A warmth at my side and an ear to listen to my complaints without judgement is just as good, if not better, than the rush of the wind blowing through the open windows on my lonely drives.

This isn't easy, and it isn't going to get easier any time soon. In fact it's going to get harder, exponentially so and in a short matter of time. I hope I have the sense to keep my head on straight, to keep my feet grounded, and to seek strength from the only source that can provide me with anything durable. I must not allow myself to be so overwhelmed by difficulties that I become blind to the good in this life, to all of the blessings surrounding me and all of the happiness and love that fills me to the brim. Because, believe it or not, love and happiness fills me to the brim.