Inside This Mind.

06.11.2005 * 1:15 a.m.
And then he was gone...

Wow. So much has happened in such a short time, I'm unsure of where to begin. I guess I'll pick up where I left off...

The Marathon resumed with Nathan and Jay's final date. Us four awesome people went out to dinner, took embarrassing photos with statues around La Arcada and State Street, and wandered a bit. Nathan and I returned to my apartment where we promptly fell asleep in front of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Today, he and I explored our way over to Red Rock. I was particularly fond of driving over the water crossings. I also was a little bit amused by Nathan's repeated frustration. He's adorable when he gets all grumpy. Eventually, with wet pants and heavy hearts, we left that place. We chowed down on Carlito's burgers and watched Aladin. We said goodbye at the only appropriate place for us, the beach. Some words were written in the sand that made me drip tears onto his shirt. I drove him home and could have stood there hugging him forever, I really didn't want to let him go. But I did. As I backed out of my parking space I saw the feelings in my heart reflected in his eyes. We really did make a wonderful team. Maybe we will again some day down the road. Only time will tell, and only God knows.
This relationship had an expiration date from the moment it began. We knew today would come, and it did.

Then, with no real time for me to fret or worry, my family appeared with the greatest surprise ever. My aunt and uncle brought my Grandpa! Grandpa -who had never been on an airplane before- came all the way from Ohio for my graduation. I almost cried. I was so surprised, so overcome with love, so ridiculously happy. I could hardly believe it. I was so overjoyed, I just wanted to share it with the one person I care most about... I couldn't help but call him. (Sorry, I hope you didn't mind.) So my parents, aunt and uncle, and grandpa all went out to dinner, and then to the beach -dang that beach- and then drove through campus -dang those dorms- and then came home. My parents got me pretty earrings. My graduation announcements brought in a pretty penny, which is good news since I spent eighty-something bucks on them. Tomorrow morning I get dress up like a clown and participate in a graduation ceremony. And my family is going to be there. Oh man, I feel loved.

My mom also brought me a letter that I wrote to myself in January of 2001. It was an assignment for a class in high school. It's funny how much I have changed, yet how much I have stayed the same in four years. My main concern then was not knowing the future, wondering where I would go for college and how college would work out. HA! The way I wrote to myself is so typical of how I would speak to myself today. I wrote about my friends, my family, my pets and a boy. (Funny, even then I knew that he and I wouldn't last.) I closed with these words... "I guess I'm just afraid- afraid to move into the future, but more afraid of standing here where I am. All I can really say now is that I love you. Keep your head on the straight path and never look down. I'm pretty sure you've stuck to the dream so far, but please don't give up now. You're almost there."
Those words struck me. They're so pertinent, they're so... me. I knew back then right where I'd be standing today, I just didn't know the details.

Now I'm going to sleep in my bed and miss the couch. And when I'm getting ready for graduation and I look in the mirror tomorrow morning, I know I'll think of Nathan and smile. I guess that's going to have to be good enough.