Inside This Mind.

08.24.2005 * 11:57 p.m.
today.

I bought a dozen red roses after work and went to the cemetary. I managed to avoid the sprinklers, approached Dawnette's grave and laid the roses on her headstone. I can't believe today is the two year anniversary. Maybe it's because her's is the only death close to me that was so young and unresolved- Maybe it's because her's is the only death close to me that was a suicide- But thinking about her still makes me cry from time to time.

Tonight was good. I felt very touched at a churchy event, then I hung out and had delicious lemon chiffon ice cream at Loard's. I then went to the bowling alley where I bought a pair of socks for one dollar, was given the name 10.5.7 for unknown reasons, and broke 100 in both games. That was enjoyable. I also broke my thumbnail so I felt the need to trim all of my fingernails. What a pity. They were looking long and oh so fine.

(I think about him all the time.)

08.23.2005 * 1:02 p.m.
i should be studying right now.

A year ago today I experienced what I like to refer to as "Make Out Euphoria" with a tall blonde boy. I thought I had fallen for him hard, but it was more of a desperate need on my part to cling to someone. We dated, we weren't in a real relationship, but that was hard for me to get around my skull because all I had ever known was a long serious relationship that had ended only a few months before. I had loved and been loved. I thought I knew what love was. It turns out I didn't know so much at all.

It's weird how everything can change with the passage of time. It's bizarre that a year ago I was so scared and uncertain of my future, and while that hasn't changed, all the details are completely different. Two months after Make Out Euphoria I met someone new. This one caught my attention and I don't know why, but I knew I needed him to be a part of my life. Thankfully, he felt the same. We smiled, we talked, we kissed, we laughed and cried, we learned and we grew. We shared everything for as long as time would allow. And then we said goodbye.
Before, I thought I knew what love was. I did know to a certain extent, but I was not aware of love's capabilities. I was not aware that two people could accidentally be so right for each other. I did not know that two personalities could compliment one another so perfectly that both individuals could become stronger. Because of an American from Spain I now know what I want from life and what I want from love. (But what if I prove myself wrong again? I shudder at the thought.)

I do not know if I will ever find someone else as right for me as he has been. I hope I don't have to.