Inside This Mind.

04.12.2006 * 12:57 p.m.
what i do to myself.

Last night I checked my email right before going to bed. My science teacher had sent me a message that included the words, "Assignment 1 is incomplete and I do not accept the hand-written portion of Assignment 2. According to the syllabus you have until class next week to resubmit your work for 90%." My initial response (in my head, not in an email!) was, "Ahhh, Bite me."

This class is tedious. The teacher has so much crap posted on the website that I have to go on a scavenger hunt to find the information outlining the assignment. Once I find that I want to scream because it's a nine-page, extremely verbose piece of garbage that I have to sort through. Once I'm done reading all of that I pretty much have to follow his guidelines precisely and do a lot of pointless work in order to turn in a pretty piece of paper about how I've researched my topic for my science lesson.
Hold on one second.
Researched my topic for my science lesson? I'm going to teach a lesson about seeds and plants growing to a class of kindergarteners! What am I supposed to research?!? This is going to be a very basic fifteen-minute lesson because their attention spans can't handle anything longer! I'm expected to do research and put gobs of time into this nonsense that my teacher doesn't even bother to explain to us himself. Teachers like this drive me batty.

Or really, I'm just frustrated with myself because I could have done it right the first time but I didn't. I'm not feeling motivated. It's really bad that I'm not feeling motivated for this class, my science class. Science is my passion, I can't fall short in my science methods class! Honestly! What kind of crap am I pulling?! I need to get myself motivated.

Anyhow, I woke up ten minutes before my alarm went off this morning. Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep until my phone began it's gentle beeping, I spent those ten minutes brooding over the email from last night and releasing all sorts of stress hormones into my bloodstream because of this lesson, school in general, the amount of time I should be spending on my work and the fact that I am not putting forth all my effort. That was not the best way to start my day. But don't worry, I got over it. After I let out a nice rant and felt sorry for myself, the day has gone fantastically well.

See, eventually I remembered that I am incredible. I am capable of getting all my school things done and having a social life even with a busy schedule. I cannot, cannot, cannot give up my social life. I need time with my boyfriend and friends to be happy. If I am not happy there is really no point to life, so school has to take the backseat from time to time. That is a lesson I've learned over the past few years. Happiness is essential to my existence.

The kids made me happy today, thank goodness. There's just something magical about the way kindergarteners talk and act that makes me smile. I like when they run up to me and share their joys with giant grins on their tiny faces. I love when we have conversations and laugh. I am especially fond of their hugs. (Small arms give powerful hugs.)

04.10.2006 * 4:50 p.m.
a mixed state.

I'm in a computer lab on campus, killing time between classes. I don't want to be here.

I'm dealing with a strange feeling of rejection that is only slightly justifiable. I have a boyfriend who cares about me so much that he wants what is good and right for me, even if that means making sacrifices and taking a step back. I'm being pushed away a little so that he can hold on to me for longer. It makes sense, but I still don't like knowing that I don't get to see him every day. See, as independent and wonderful as I am, I'm one of those girls who loves love and basically wants to spend all of her free time with her man. Maybe it will be good for me to not get to do that, or maybe I'll just become even more of a whiner. I'll be sure to keep you posted as things unfold. As conflicted as I am right now, it feels good to know that I am being held tightly by two extremely strong hands. I don't want him to let me go.

And one more thing: No one is better than anyone else. No one. Ever. That's just a misconception based on people's perceptions of themselves and those around them. Don't ever sell yourself short.