Inside This Mind.

07.05.2006 * 5:34 p.m.
Just need to say...

...Thanks, married ladies. I appreciate your comments more than I can express. You are both awesome.

07.04.2006 * 2:59 p.m.
Monterey was excellent.

What?
I just fell out of my chair. Well, not exactly. I stood up from my chair, got my foot stuck in the legs of said chair, and went tumbling to the ground. I mostly caught myself and mostly prevented any swear words from issuing out of my mouth. Then I laughed loudly at myself while my inner-mother silently chastized my inner-child for catching herself with her hands. My scrawny arms are okay, nothing broke, so I'm not really sure what inner-mom was complaining about.
One would think that, after so many years of practice, I would have mastered the art of rising from a chair by now. Apparently, I have not.

..............

This week I attended several missionary lessons- I am supporting a friend as she meets with the missionaries to learn more about my church. I know she is benefitting from the experience, but I am extremely surprised by how much it is affecting me. All of the suddent I am feeling afresh the desire and certainty that were so new to me only a few years ago.
I need this.
These basic lessons and simple discussions are reminding me of everything I already know, everything I have embraced and made a part of myself. It is wonderful, it is touching, and it is going to give me an ulcer.

What do I do if the information I know deep down inside to be true is flagrantly contradicted by what I want when I look into this man's eyes? Do I issue an ultimatum? Do I throw out the "we get married in the temple, or we break up now before it gets more serious" (How can it get more serious?) statement? That sort of ultimatum, makes me feel like a judgemental snob with a "you're not good enough for me" attitude. I am not a judgemental snob, so feeling that way even a little bit is extremely uncomfortable. Would that make me an unjust snob, or would it just be me looking out for myself and happiness? I think I know, but then again, I don't.

For me, faith, sprituality and emotion are all very intimately interwoven and therefore disgustingly difficult to distinguish individually.

My private thoughts and feelings are a tangled mess that I am doing my best to ignore at the moment. I know that is not exactly a healthy approach, but I don't want to lose another love, so I am pretending not to notice that I am probably hanging on unwisely.

Darn our strong, contradicting opinions.
Darn my insensible heart.