Inside This Mind.

07.22.2006 * 11:16 a.m.
token economy blah blah.

Fine. Fine fine fine. F i n e.
Rileigh is right, I am "stupor of thought" personified. But when am I not? Really?

What it comes down to is acting. I am usually a coward when it comes to acting, that's just me. I move slowly, I step with caution, and I am always highly concerned about the well-being of others. In fact, I put others' happiness before my own more often than not. That's my way of serving, that's my way of loving. It typically works out to benefit everyone involved, including myself. If we're friends, you have been the recipient of this behavior. Don't pretend that you don't love it - you know you do.

What makes this different is that it has never threatened to be dangerous for me before now.

Give me time, my friends, I'm dealing with this in my own way.

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Summer school is swiftly coming to an end. I have two more weeks of this quarter to deal with. Student teaching will begin at the end of August, Fall quarter classes will begin at the end of September and before I know it I will be done with another chapter of my life and ready to move on to my career.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret: I am in no way ready to move on to my career. I don't think I have the skills to do everything that being an elementary school teacher entails. I am severely overwhelmed by the thought of it all.

And now I am going to change the subject because I am clearly writing from a depressed point of view and I don't want you to see any more of the lack of confidence that my mood is creating.

It was already 80 degrees outside by 8am. The temperature is supposed to hit 115 or so today. I am confined indoors with my school work. I'll probably venture out to the pool because I will undoubtedly get too hot and bored in here. Heaven bless air conditioning.

07.21.2006 * 12:47 p.m.
foolish.

I'm a mess, but you'd never know it by looking at me. As someone who cares said, there are some heavy issues weighing on my brain. He can feel them, he knows what they are, he even understands, but he just doesn't comprehend. He does not see the world the same way as I do, so he does not see the disasters I can forsee.

I awake in the mornings knowing exactly what needs to be done. As the day moves along that feeling fades and by the time I lie down at night I don't have a sure knowledge anymore. I don't know what I am doing.

And (don't tell my boyfriend) but yesterday and today... I miss the Spaniard. I didn't mean to. Music has a strange way of getting to me and making me feel.

Oh goodness. I really am a mess. I'm going out dancing with some girls tonight, that will make things better.