Inside This Mind.

12.05.2006 * 8:37 a.m.
I choose to be happy.

And then my phone rang...

12.04.2006 * 11:21 a.m.
I miss him.

Weekdays right now are the worst, because while everyone else is out working and keeping busy, I'm sitting at home procrastinating on my school work.
I can't help but think of The Cowboy. I know exactly where he is and what he is doing. He is so close. I want to drive by and leave a note on his car, I want to call him. I can't do either, it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I did this, I caused this hurt, and we need to heal. There's no way he will stop thinking about me if I call him daily. But GAH! I just want to hear his voice, I just want to know how he is doing.
I want him to call me, but I know he won't. I'm such an idiot.

Love is brutal. Loving someone that you know is not the right one for you in the long run is even worse.

I need to do my freaking teaching portfolio but my mind can't focus.

12.01.2006 * 9:48 a.m.
I'm sorry baby.

I don't have enough faith for two people. I am not strong enough to pull myself up when I am bound tightly to someone who does not share my goals, but I want to be somewhere higher than my present location.

I had to let him go.

I'm not going to lie, it hurts like hell. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this either, but I have to try.
I just wish I didn't love him so much.

11.30.2006 * 10:11 a.m.
My Babushkas.

The middle of the week has never before been so exciting!!!

Tuesday I got to spend some much needed quality time with an old friend. It's bizarre, but after so much time and so many changes, I still think of him as a best friend. The familiarity of his face and manners make me willing to tell him anything. The old ways were back; we sat and talked while he quietly strummed his guitar, we played video games together and I lost every time, I sat at a stool on the counter while we ate in his kitchen. It was wonderful and will be filed away as further proof of why I never let my friends go...

Thank goodness, because two of the finest looking ladies I know came to visit! We had an amazing time driving around my town and admiring the beauty of the hills, the old buildings, the vineyards and the windmills. We shopped at Target, drove through the hills, and stopped every few feet for photo opportunities. I love my little photographer so much and didn't realize how much I've missed her! After a refreshing breakfast of donuts, we spent the day in San Francisco. Sights were seen, more pictures taken, and life was delicious. (So was the ice cream.)
In the evening we stopped at the temple. I wanted them to see it all lit up for Christmas. I needed so desperately to feel the spirit of that place and am certain that my company helped me feel it more strongly than I would have on my own. We sang hymns and Christmas carols while looking at the nighttime magnificence of the entire San Francisco Bay area and my heart smiled.

The most delightful aspect of their whole visit was the laughter. We laughed hard and we laughed loud - though apparently not loud enough according to the "laughter police" man in the city. I love these ladies, I love them with all of my heart. They are amazing creatures and the year that we shared in apartment 146 was one of the most wonderful years yet of my little life.

What a great way to spend a Wednesday. Too bad it had to end.