Inside This Mind.

04.12.2007 * 5:12 p.m.
I didn't get out of bed until noon today.

Yesterday was a fantastically fun mid-week adventure. I'm on spring break, so I've been sleeping in and taking it easy. I haven't had big plans, I'm just relaxing and enjoying the time off of work. There was just enough rain yesterday morning to cause The Cowboy's boss to send everyone home for the day. We used this extra time together to play in San Jose and have lunch with his mom. I really enjoyed myself.

I love the time we spend together, the conversations we have, the quiet moments shared, and especially the laughter. I really do love this guy, as rough around the edges as he may be.

04.08.2007 * 10:16 p.m.
Happy Easter

In conversation with my boyfriend I explained that I have amputated our relationship for our well-being. I'm not sure if those words really made sense to him, but it finally clicked for me. He and I have an amazing physical connection, however, I do not want that connection to be too strong because it leads to trouble. So I don't show him a lot of affection, I hardly even kiss the poor kid, and he hates it. He knows I'm just trying to keep things good and avoid leading him on, but it kills him that I don't act like I love him. It's starting to hurt me too.

Did you know that we humans usually smile because we are happy, but conversely, smiling can actually help us to feel happy? I think showing affection works the same way. Generally, it is a result of feeling affection, however, I think that showing love can actually make the feeling increase. Not displaying affection has a negative affect.

There is nothing wrong with a hug, a kiss, a scratch on the back, or a hand held while walking down the street. People need physical contact, so why am I depriving myself and hurting the Cowboy's feelings in the process? I guess I'm kind of a jerk.

Today has been really good though. Maybe I can find the happy balance that I need.

I love my friends. I love you madly.